Asking friends to help with your wedding
Once you announce your engagement, your friends and family will be so excited, and they’ll offer all kinds of help. That’s lovely, and their help will be needed and truly appreciated. But before you start asking friends to help with your wedding, I’d gently caution you not to lean on one or two people too hard.
When your friends are in the industry
It’s especially tempting when a friend or relative works in an industry whose skills you’ll need: a florist, a dressmaker, a chef, an event stylist, a hair and makeup artist. Using friends as wedding vendors can seem like the perfect solution. But there are a few good reasons to think carefully first.
It takes real effort, and real money, to do it beautifully
Flowers, food, styling, hair and makeup all take a lot of effort, and a significant amount of money, to do well. If you’re asking a friend to help because you’re trying to save money, remember that someone still has to pay for the materials, the time and the expertise.
That can get awkward. Your friend may not feel comfortable telling you exactly how much they’re spending. Are they expected to do it as their wedding gift, or simply as a friend? Do they still need to buy you a present? How much are you expecting it to cost, and are you planning to pay? What if it turns out to cost far more than you thought?
It’s also unlikely they can do it all by themselves. If they run a business, they may need to bring in staff to help, and staff mean wages. Unless it’s handled very carefully, there are so many points where your friend could feel taken advantage of, and that can strain, or worse, end a friendship.
You’ll have less say over the final result
When you pay for a service, it’s easy to say you’d prefer this, you’d like to change that, or you’d love to add something extra. But if you haven’t paid, how much say do you really have when something isn’t quite what you imagined? Hiring friends for your wedding can leave you feeling unable to ask for changes, or worried about hurting their feelings if you do.
If you do ask, ask the right way
If you’d still love a friend to be part of your day in this way, a little clarity, and some simple wedding etiquette for helpers, goes a long way. Be upfront about whether you’ll pay them, and if so, ask for a proper quote, just as you would with any other supplier. If they’re offering it as their gift, say thank you and make sure you both understand exactly what’s included. Agree on the details early, in writing if you can, so there are no surprises for either of you.
And consider asking for smaller things that don’t put the whole day on their shoulders, like helping with the bridesmaids’ bouquets rather than all the flowers, or doing your hair for a pre-wedding event rather than the whole bridal party on the day.
Treat every bit of help as a gift
When it comes to wedding help from family and friends, remember that everyone has their own life and their own circumstances. Some people will have more time to help you, and others won’t be able to help as much because of work, family or other commitments. Any help you receive is a gift, so treat it as one. Don’t hold it against the people who simply can’t do as much.
One day, and a lifetime of friendships
This is one day of your life. A very special day, but still one day. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and you’ll need the relationships you’ve built around you to thrive long after the wedding is over.
With love,
